“Smile!”
“Be happy!”
As mothers we’re often told of the importance of maintaining a joyous mood in the home. When the mother is happy, everyone is happy.
Yet there are many factors that conspire against that happiness.
When a mother is overtired, has aches and pains, or struggling with an overwhelming workload, telling her to smile and act happy is not enough. It actually adds to her stress. She’s not only unhappy but now has the additional burden of shame and guilt for not being happier.
To get to the root of a mother’s unhappiness, let’s go back to the source—in Torah. When we learn the story of Chet Etz Hadaas according to Chassidus, the pain of pregnancy, childbirth and raising children becomes more clearly understood. It’s not a punishment for the sin of the Eitz Hadaas. It’s more of a natural consequence. The pain of childbirth is the direct result and outcome of the sin.
Chava’s Desire
According to Chassidus, Chava ate from the tree out of a desire for hargashah—a sense of self. Before eating of the tree, Adam and Chava had no sense of themselves as independent beings. The Elokus that pervaded Gan Eden was so complete that they had no self-consciousness whatsoever. That’s why they had no need for clothing.
The nachash convinced Chava that a lack of self-awareness wasn’t Hashem’s true intention. The serpent argued that Hashem wanted humans to be His partners in creation, to shape and transform the world around them. To do that, they would need a sense of independence—a connection to their own desires and ambitions. Only through this awareness, the nachash implied, could they achieve real happiness and fulfillment.
Unfortunately, the snake’s argument was flawed. A focus on self—on constantly feeding one’s own desires—doesn’t lead to lasting joy. It actually leads to greater pain and disappointment.
When someone believes they’re entitled to everything, “Es kumpt mir” (“It’s coming to me”), they feel less joy in what they have. If you work hard at your job for 40 hours a week and get a paycheck in the end, do you get excited about it? Do you thank your boss profusely? Probably not. In fact your paycheck may seem too small for the effort you put in. A very egotistical person is always in a state of resentment. No matter what anyone does for them it’s not enough. They don’t focus on what they have but on what they’re missing.
This constant grasping for more can turn into a cycle of endless wanting, always looking at what others have, measuring, comparing, and feeling shortchanged.
When Chava ate from the tree, she took on the awareness of her own self and desires. She failed to take into account that the capacity to feel pleasure brings with it the capacity to feel pain and neediness. The more focused we are on our need for pleasure and self-fulfillment, the more acutely we feel the lack. Ego amplifies pain. We are not only dealing with the discomfort itself, but also anger and resentment that we have to endure it at all.
This tension is at the core of the pain in motherhood. We want to raise and nurture our children, and yet yearn for a space for ourselves. The more focused we are on fulfilling our own needs, the less we’re able to feel joy in raising our children.
Noach’s Error
Noach tried to rectify the sin of Chava. His first act after disembarking from the teivah was to plant a vineyard and make wine. His thinking was, Chava’s problem was feeling herself too much. So I will drink myself senseless, go out of my keilim, and not feel my existence so much. People feel happier when they get drunk because they lose their inhibitions and become less self-conscious, less preoccupied with themselves. Noach believed that was the solution.
And sometimes we think it’s the answer too. Not necessarily with alcohol, but with whatever coping mechanism we use. It could be excessive use of social media, shopping, consumption of sugar or caffeine—anything that we use to numb our emotions and escape.
It’s important to distinguish between self-care and escapism. Self-care is about nurturing the body and staying grounded so that we can be more present and alert. Eating nutritious foods, exercising, learning, developing a skill or talent—all these can be invigorating and restorative. The problem is with distractions that take us away from our true self, that leave us feeling depleted rather than refreshed.
Sarah’s Repair
Chava got it wrong and Noach got it wrong. The one who finally got it right was Sarah, who corrected the sin of both Chava and Noach. Sarah was able to achieve the perfect balance—a deep, pervasive joy, without a trace of self-absorption or frivolity.
What was her secret?
Sarah represents the middah of malchus, which is a blend of two extremes. On the one hand Malchus denotes regalness and exaltedness. Sarah is from the root of sh’rarah, rulership. She knew how to be a strong and decisive leader and make tough decisions. At the same time, Malchus is the lowest of all the sefiros and receives from all of them. A melech has nothing of his own. Whatever he has was given to him by the people. A king exists only to serve the people; he has no identity outside of that. Malchus is the ultimate in bittul, and therefore it’s the ultimate in dignity and self-worth. When we’re able to set aside our own ego, we become a keili for that which is much greater than us. Only through smallness can we embrace the infinite.
When we parent from a place of ego, we expect our children to meet our needs and fulfill our desires. We want them to look a certain way, succeed academically, or behave in a way that reflects well on us. We push them to follow our advice, rather than allowing them the space to make their own decisions. This can lead us to become controlling, overbearing, and caught up in endless power struggles.
True joy in motherhood is found in releasing these ego-driven expectations. When we let go of the need for our children to fulfill our personal desires, we create room for them to grow into the unique, G-d-given individuals they are meant to be.
Finding happiness as a mother does not mean losing ourselves or turning into a shmattah. It does not mean working ourselves into exhaustion. It means having the courage to set boundaries, and to respect ourselves and our own limits. When we set ego aside, it becomes easier to find the strength to stand firm on essential matters to ensure our family’s physical and spiritual safety.
Having bittul inhibits a full-throated expression of joy. Bittul means to feel yourself less, which means to constrict and not let yourself go. As the possuk in Tehillim says, “Ivdu es Hashem b’simchah v’gilu ber’adah.” Serve Hashem with joy and rejoice with trembling. This is a tempered kind of joy, one that recognizes the seriousness of our role but also embraces it with love and pride.
But in yemos hamoshiach, we will be able to have both together—absolute bittul with unbridled joy.
Ultimate Joy
Sarah named her son Yitzchak, from the root of tzchok, laughter. Yitzchak represents the full-throated joy and laughter that will find full expression in the time of Moshiach, as the possuk in Tehillim (126:2) states: “Then our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongue with rejoicing.” The laughter of the future is rooted in our ability to feel Elokus around us fully and completely, while still retaining our individuality. We will discover the greatness that comes only through bittul.
The power to achieve this transformation lies with the Jewish woman. Just as Sarah rectified the sin of Chava, we have the potential to transform our everyday stresses and challenges into opportunities to meet the divine. Our joy and laughter will not feel forced but will be a natural outcome of a life suffused with Hashem’s blessings.
(Based on the Maamer Chayei Sarah in Sefer Hamaamarim Ateres, and Vayihyu Chayei Sarah 5741)